WHAT FRESHERS MUST KNOW

 WHAT FRESHERS MUST KNOW

Last week, Winnie, one of my classmates was removed from her room in Hostel K. She was dragged to the dirty field that is between Hostel J and studie, forced to face the admin and swear while shouting “26th SGC tuko pamoja” seventeen times while drinking a bitter liquid mixed with goat’s sperms. She suspected that the perpetrators were affiliated to one of the current shopkeepers (sorry, directors) who hails from her community and to whom she refused to vote for last semester.

I take this chance to welcome the innocent species of My University to this university with defects (sorry, I meant difference). Freshers karibuni to My University where you are expected to sleep on top of trees and attend classes. It is my time to orient you.

Let me start with the prefect body led by the head boy. Here, they are called SGC. They are chosen from the hungriest students and end up being shopkeepers. The head boy is called chairman. He is so powerful that he can make the university security officials to suspend me for writing this after which you can go on strike. He is called toothless dog or Mr. dog-hana Meno.

The one who gave you his number the other day is called Mr. Tight-ass (anavaanga tight shirts na tight jeans). He is the prefect in-charge of mwax and sups. He gave you his number during your orientation because that was the only way to kwachua as many freshers as possible. I hear he doesn’t pick calls unless u text him, “me ni Esther” or something that suggests that you belong to the female species. This semester is named after him (Mururu semester) because he made sure we come back so that his chips business thrives.

The prefect in-charge of money and shops is called Pesa Wale Nakula. Like him or not, you paid him sh.500 when you reported to this campus. He is the treasurer of the campus thieves. But I salute him for being the only director worth our votes. He is the one behind the return of the MUSO cyber cafe and wireless network around Soweto. Clap for him! Again! Thank you.

The head girl is the vice chair lady who would come to your room during her campaigns and ask you while holding you color, “utanivotia ama nikuchape kofi?” She is Get Rude Chemka. I once tried to date her and she was like ‘are you man enough?’ I still wonder whether she meant I go buy Viagra or atanichapa. Si angeishi tu huko Nyeri?

The only confused member among the SGC is called Viola YEGON. Her surname must be written in capital letters or else... She is the assistant prefect in-charge of nothing. (The other day I saw her at Hijaz Hotel with a very handsome mswahili boy. I was told he is her new boyfriend. Kumbe hata ladies hukwachua freshers? I wonder why she damped my friend Simon, the former assistant prefect). I am saying she is confused because she doesn’t as yet know how to steal our money na Simo hajamfunza.

Let us go to the classes where you find some ugly students named class-rapes. They are raped by the situation. They did not kwachua nor were they kwachuad. They don’t have boy/girlfriends. They chose to be class-rapes so that classmates can take their numbers and at least, text them “hi, daro imebounce ama?” Be kind to them, sawa? Very good!

And lastly, there is a place called exile. Don’t ask me where in main campus it is located. This is the place where your roommate will send you to when he is visited by his/her overnight partner. In the words of the late Kijana Wamalwa, you can spend the rest of the night puffing a cigarette outside, ama uende frakaz!

I have some sodas and cakes for you behind this wall, take only one of each and have a very good day.